What used to be normal days have quickly faded into a foggy blurr. This is like preparing for a long trip, not knowing where the destination is! I have to pack everything it seems and be ready at the end of the day to go! One phase after another unfolds and I am running hard into battle. No time for boot camp, guess I'll be strengthen along the way. When you hear the word Cancer there is no pausing, no more waking gently from your sleep or peaceably laying your head on a pillow at night. Instead, there is a high alert siren going off inside your heart and mind continually. The top priority is to take care of yourself. This is sort of like standing up with complete balance during an earthquake. By the way, stay calm.
The first report of cancer was a shock on Dec 5th when I had found a lump and went in for a mammogram and discoverd the real reason I was always turned down for health insurance and life insurance ( why do they call it life insurance when it is given when you die?) Anyhow, I had a pathology report in 2007 that said I had cancer. Wow, really? That report said cancer? I could swear that my doc at that time said it wasn't cancer, it wasn't even really a pre-cancer. In fact he said that my risk of it turning into cancer was about 10%. So, I said no thanks to the tamoxifen, threw my hands up in the air and swore of going back again for another mammogram and another biopsy just to be told I didn't have cancer. I believe my exact words were, "They are going to give me cancer with all the stress they put me under with these painful and frightening biopsies"
I'm eating those words now, I didn't read my pathology report, I didn't get a second opinion because the Doc I went to was supposed to be "The Best". I didn't ask questions and I didn't double check. I didn't do the right thing and I didn't keep going back for annual screenings. In other words, this was preventable. How do I live with that... Oh, better question. How long do I get to live with that? Arrogance. I was completely arrogant in my independence and thoughts that whispered, "I know what's best." Now I will live out the consequences.