IDC is the diagnosis. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Five years ago the cancer or atypical cells (really not cancer apparently to my original doc) were in a tiny lobe just sitting inside of it. Now it has spread outside the lobe, into the duct and beyond into the breast tissue. There is no cure, I've been told. That's why I have to remove it; 'cause it has no boundaries and doesn't know how to stop.
Yesterday, when I was doing my morning chores, my mind slipped off to that lofty place. Why have I choose mastectomies? Is there someway around it? Gosh, for a day there I had a moment of denial. Someone must be playing a trick on me. This just can't be possible. This happens to other people, not me. Besides it's just not fair. My husband's sister just passed away 4 months ago after living for 10 fighting years with this thing.
Where are the cameras? I've been punked. You can come on out now and call off the bluff. I fell asleep with that level of hope only to pop up in the dark, panicked and announced to my husband that they are taking my TaTa's in 6 days! I found a comfortable place in his arms as he soothed me back to sleep.
Today is ANOTHER busy day with pre-op procedures at the hospital and more retirement liquidation. I'm pulled and tugged to think of long term decisions and make sure the car registration gets done before we begin this process. It's all a whirlwind. I still need to say good-bye to a part of my body!
Good-Bye Ta Tas. Thank you for helping me feed my babies and enjoy the incredible bond that happens when a mother nurses her children. There is no way to describe the joy and affection a mother feels. I remember how I waited for you come then hid you during those Jr. High showers. I remember all the times you grew with me when I over indulged in food and then disappeared when I was fit. It was just the last few years that I really enjoyed your maturity, your shape and familiarity. The disease that grows inside of you has an insatiable desire that can not be quenched. Thank you for taking the sacrifice. It's been a pleasure and an honor to have you with me for 47 years. You've been awesome. Let's say good-bye in peace.
As much as this sacrifice hurts, how do I comprehend the sacrifice of Jesus? It's in Him that I can find my comfort. He knows about sacrifice and how there can be new life because of it.