Sunday, August 12, 2012

Why God? Round 4

The day before my 4th and final  round of treatment I had lunch with a dear friend. She admitted to me that she had often asked, why God after she heard of my diagnosis. Why did it have to happen to Sheri? I was touched that she thought so much of me that she would approach God with this question on my behalf. I admit that I also pondered why, God? Did you catch where that comma was placed? Why, God?
I feel compelled to explain why I chose God instead of asking why He chose me for this trail. In fact it never even occurred to me to ask Him why I had to get this deadly disease.  I want to try to describe to you like trying to describe a color to a blind man who has never seen. This is why I chose God.

I've been called lots of endearing names such as bible thumper, super religious, Jesus freak, self righteous and holier than thou. I love all these terms of endearment because they are a beautiful exchange for other names I was called when I was a very young girl by one of my dad's girlfriends whom I called mom for several years. As a seven year old I heard  her substitute my name for Stupid and Dummy. They stung like hollow point bullets that explode in you creating great damage to the internal body As I got a little older  at about 11 and in the 5th grade I can vividly remember the back of her hand hitting my face as a casual occurrence Its companion Ugly and Idiot numbed my ears. By the time I was in Jr High school the nick names became more elaborate statements that predicted my future rather then one word triggers and physical assaults. You should have never been BORN, you'll NEVER amount to anything, you are WORTHLESS became not only a mantra spoken to me, but one I began to say to myself.

This woman who  was responsible to mirroring the world to me taught me very early that I was an under dog. (If you are a parent DO NOT handicap your children this way! ) By the time I reached high school the dreaded girlfriend had expired her welcome in my father's house as her gambling addiction was revealed.... then her abuses were revealed. She abused herself far greater than she abused me. I was able to forgive her in the years that followed. Darn it if the damage had not already been done though

I remember wanting... wanting to go to college. I love education. I love learning, but that's not the route  I took. This underdog began to hang out on the wrong corners with the wrong crowd and fell from track athlete and cheerleader to a true underdog I was convinced that I was. By the time I was 16 I had already been  victim to date rape. More evidence that I was indeed merely Worthless. There are a million details between the lines of this paragraph and the timeline of my life, but now is not the time.

It was at the end of my marriage to my children's father that I asked God why? Why was life so hard? Why did He hate me so much that he would allow all these things to happen to me? I fell down to my knees and just surrendered. God, I tried the best I could to live a decent life and I failed.

The mantra continued....I am a failure, I am worthless, stupid, a dummy and perhaps I should had never been born. So there you go, God! You can have my life. Take me home now, this life is too hard. OR- you can have my life and do with it what ever you want to do. I'm done, I don't have the answers, you do.

That was the last time I asked God why. From that day, I have carried a peace within me and a knowing that my life is not my own anymore. I gave it away. I gave away the torment, confusion and I was given so much forgiveness that I can't help it if it spills on others. The same with Grace and Mercy. I got an insatiable hunger for the Word and the Truth found on the pages of His love letter. I simply disciplined myself to apply His Truth to life and the transformation began. It hasn't stopped and honestly it never will stop, because no one really arrives at the doorway of perfection and  that's okay.

Now my children were teenagers when I surrendered in 1999. I know that they know their mom has faith, but I'm not sure if  they know why? Until now. Ironically, my dream husband lived almost right behind me on a few streets over. We married in 2007 and I kid him often about waiting so long to find me.

Asking God why I got cancer wasn't even on my radar. Asking God to use my cancer to give others hope and stretch the many observers to a deeper faith is my top priority.  God is SOOOO Divine. I was broken, busted, crushed and trampled many times but NONE like this last time.He has rescued me AGAIN!

 And that's Why, God!!!

I've flipped my wig!

Moments of doubt. I think we've all had them, right? Maybe I'm alone in this, but I don't think so. If you have ever doubted, have you doubted liked me? I doubt if I am making the right decisions, I doubt whether I am loved, accepted or even liked from time to time, I doubt strengths and I doubt weaknesses, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt. Then with my creative mind I assume. Assuming PROVES that all the things I doubted must be true! Holy cow... you must think I'm a little crazy just admitting this, but I'm pretty sure you've had these thoughts too. Let me give you an example; I discovered that every time this blog is read.. the numbers are tracked and a report is generated for the writer's information. Well, I read that report and 4,000 people have read my inner most thoughts about my journey through cancer. Wow, I got a little intimated by that little fact and I began to doubt. Doubt that my writing was good enough for 4,000 people to spend a single moment of their time on. So, I assumed that my insignificant thoughts should just be kept to myself. You've heard the phrase; Kids are to speak when they are spoken to. That was my father's rule, may he rest in peace.  I'm equivalent to a big kid waiting to be spoken to. I say this with a giggle because several people are asking about my next post!

So, I apologize to anyone who has been following my journey. Let me share the last few months with a bird's eye view. As you can see, I've flipped my wig! Man oh man, 110 degrees is just too stinking hot to wear a fur hat in the middle of summer. My hair started to grow back about a month ago, which has really been exciting!  In fact, I woke up this morning with a little pillow head and had to scoop a little water in my hand to splash down a couple of smashed hairs. More then one person has made mention of my Jamie Lee Curtis look-a-like style. Wow how liberating it is to towel off and go! I actually feel sorry for women who build their joy around a good hair day or bad hair day! For me, it's a bad hair day everyday. You know what? I'm going to be happy anyway!

The last Chemo treatment was May 1st. Looking back on it I can say it all went so fast. Believe this or not but my last chemo was the scariest. Because the conclusion meant one thing; we were done fighting- hope we got it all. The doctors said good luck, no guarantees. If it comes back I will live 2-7 years. I have follow-up visits every 3 months. That might sound intense to you, but for me it seems like someone let me out of jail! I have to have my estrogen level tested every three months to make sure the medicine I'm taking is eliminating the production of that hormone. I'll take that medicine for 5 years. I wish I could take it for ever, but they say five years is enough. The estrogen hormone was feeding the cancer. So if they stop it, cancer will not have food to grow. Here's a big surprise, we found out that fat cells produce estrogen too! So It's time for me to finish the weigh less project that I started last year. 45 lbs since last Sept  2011 have slipped away. I need another 15 lbs and then I'll be right where I want to be.

Doubt and assumption. What a rip off! Let me remember that for the future. Love others! Don't be concerned with the nay sayers and trouble makers. Acts of kindness are good for you, much like eating vegetables. The problem is that I'm the biggest nay sayer in my life! I must not ever doubt the Promise I have in God nor doubt the hope I have that all the cancer was eliminated with treatment. I must have Faith. I must wake up every morning with a grateful heart for another day. 2-7 years if it comes back. I gulp that down when I needed to be reminded the true importance of this life. It is not my to-do list. It is not my career. It is not my security. It is not whether I am accepted. It is simply to live a joy-filled life. Right now, in order to do that I must be reconcilied in every relationship. Got work to do!

Much Love to You- Think Good Thoughts.... until we talk again!