New Blog

Hello Blog Followers,

Please follow me to a new site.    http://thelordsdwellingplace.com. The blogspot blog has been a wonderful begining. I have accpeted the challenge to step it up a little and this is where you can find me. :) Thank you for sharing this blog with other cancer survivors. I pray that continues.  People are still reading everyday which is quite humbling. I am moving in a new direction and hope that you follow me down a new trail!

Much Love,
Sheri Page


It's a Do Over!

I originally started to write on another blog http://thelordsdwellingplace.blogspot.com/ a couple of years ago, because I felt " called". Then, lo and behold within a month I found out that I had breast cancer. I continued to write-through the entire cancer process, from finding out about the cancer at a screening to a bilateral mastectomy and recovery from chemotherapy... I received an amazing amount of encouragement from friends and strangers who asked me to continue writing. I was finally convinced to keep going when I stumbled on a back screen on my old blog one day and found that thousands of people from all over the world had taken the cancer journey with me, through writing!

Eventually, I found myself at a writer's conference and realized that writing has a lot more to do with "marketability" then any of us realized! There is a need to have a "Platform" before a publishing company will consider someone as a serious author. You can write and it can be a great; However, you need to help sell books and the magazine articles or they will find a writer who can. Making a move to a WordPress gives credence to a writer. I'm not sure why or how just yet, but it does. So, here I am! New and improved blog? New and improved message? New and improved messy life? New and improved... fill in the blank here__________.

So, on this blog I most likely will not have exciting news about cancer. Let's hope I don't have any news at all about that topic. I will blog about dyeing to my selfishness needs and try my hardest to share Jesus with you from the events in my everyday life. I will share one very important conclusion about cancer with you though and then we can be done with it. I am glad for the gift of cancer. I am GLAD! I thank God often for allowing me the opportunity to really consider what is important in life. How many days do I really have and how can I best use them... what purpose can I make out of them?

Upon this consideration, many things had to change. I had to change the way I responded to offense. I had to change what I pursued and why I pursued it. I changed my mind about the things I thought I needed to control and people who disappointed me. I giggle when I think about how different everything is from my new short dark hair to the inner crevices of my heart and I am so grateful! I stood at the door or mortality and was forced to knock on it to see if it would open. It did not open. Whew!
It's a Do Over! A Second Chance and I say that with a smile! Come with me and explore life!

Angel Armies

Have you ever noticed how many sounds are in the quiet places in your life? Have you ever longingly waited for a phone call or for a letter from someone whom you adore? Have you found yourself holding your breath when you saw something amazing before your eyes? Can you recall a time when you waited for a baby to be born? I bet you can remember an old commercial illustrating anticipation as we all waited for ketchup to roll out of the bottle.

When cancer treatment is over and your hair grows back, anticipation remains. My loved ones have moved on, the emergency is over. God has set me down and is expecting me to walk again. The bubble that I’ve lived in for the past 15 months is dissolving. My energy is back and I’m crossing things off of my bucket list, but anticipation just won’t disappear. Everything is returning to normal. However, I am not normal anymore… or then again, some might say I never was!

I see things so differently now. I have incredible moments of clarity, but there are moments when my head is submerged in the clouds. This vanishing cocoon of affection, protection and weekly Dr.’s visits alarms me. Don’t you see that I will never be the same again? I will hang my hat on HOPE for the rest of my days and anticipation will nestle itself in my soul for a while longer to make my heart race.  

Constant encouragement and supervision of my health, dare I say, has rendered me handicapped somehow in some way? My last chemo treatment was the most terrifying of all because it meant that we wouldn’t be killing cancer anymore. How do I know we got it all? How do I know it won’t start to grow again? Anticipation.

The overwhelming love and attention received was a great distraction and shelter from my reality.  The doctors have faded back out of view; the flowers and meals have stopped coming and the tender encouragement is diminishing. This weaning makes me want to grip dependence, because it feels lonely.  It’s  unpleasant and necessary to get sober in thought. It’s a terribly needy place to rise from and one I don’t want to be seen in.

This is the quiet place in life. It's  after a near miss. It's when the whirlwind storm is over. This is normal again?  Not so much! Dear Lord, let me hear the sound of your Angel Armies in my quiet place. Let my mind be strong and my tomorrow bright.

The First Pitch

Her name was Mary. I caught her out of the corner of my eye when I was waiting for instructions from the young volunteer organizing our event. Mary stood with authority, with certainty, with mastery and a gigantic smile as if this were the most important thing in her life. I turned quickly to see the full form of this powerful presence in my peripheral vision. The teal colored glasses, pink baseball cap and a jovial voice gave me every sign that she didn’t care if the world approved; she was comfortable in her own skin. Something about that gave me comfort and I didn’t even know her. But WOW!

The eight of us survivors gathered on a bright glorious Sunday afternoon to throw out 8 unanimous first pitches. It was the first time I dared to mingle with other cancer survivors. Until now, I would just prefer to wipe the dust off my feet, clip the apron strings and move on from this horrible frightening world of the unknown.  Something deep down said that if I hang out with these people who live with the same threat to their bodies that I live with, then I will never really live again. I’ll be stuck in this pit of sickness.

How can you live with a gun pointing at you all the time? If I get stressed, maybe it will come back. That makes me run for cover and avoid people who walk with flailing arms. If exercising is supposed to be cancer fighting, can you tell me what will happen if I’m too tired or don’t get to it? Does that mean I die? Ridicules thoughts… I know!!! Mary doesn’t think they are so ridicules though, because she has them too.

In fact, Mary is a 4 time survivor. She was told just 3 years ago that she only had 1 year to live. She laughs at the thought of not buying green bananas for that first year. She had to slowly convince herself that it was okay to buy toilet paper in bulk after the second year rolled on by and not a cancer cell could be found anywhere in her body. Her triple negative breast cancer had previously metastasized to her lungs… but no sign of cancer today. She said, “I am learning to live again,” as our conversation moved to the dugout while we waited for our signal to walk on the field.

I realized that the eight of us are playing on the same team and it’s time I get to know other survivors. Who else but my team would want to know the play by play details of the survival game? They can hear the same cheering or the same booing depending on the latest blood work up. These gals know what’s it’s like to wonder if IT will  welcome back and they are not afraid to whisper it from their silent screaming voices. Thank you God , that I can be okay in my uncomfortable skin while in their presence.

We won the baseball game that day. 

The Scar is a sign of beauty, really.

It's been one year and 3 months today. The focus is now on survival. My "TEAM" of doctors watch my health carefully with blood panel work ups and face to face meetings. What one doctor doesn't measure, the next one does. The appointments seem to be every month.  They share information and keep one another posted as I travel from office to office surrendering my blood and taking off my top to examine The Scar.

I think The Scar would horrify anyone but the person it lives with. One of my sisters who is a surgical nurse encouraged me to google mastercomy images so I could prepare myself before surgery. I think it brought on a hot flash when I first saw what it looked like. Go ahead and google it for yourself and you will see what I mean.. whew. Today, when I look in the mirror I see something very normal looking. I see a close call. I see abounding love. I see my unborn grandchildren. I see God's Almighty hand reaching down to touch my life and increase my days. I see cleavage where there is none!

Each doc educates me on how to watch  for cancer's possible return, in The Scar. They are adorable the way they try to describe it and the way they try to alert me without alarming me. They also encourage me to eat right, get rest, drink water... that's lots of water and exercise. KNOW your body! Listen to what it says, more importantly respond to it.

Keep your stress low! Now that's funny. This is a flat out crash course on letting go.
My TEAM, what amazing doctors and compassionate care givers they are. Me and my Scar.. we're going to be just fine living together. Thank you God!

Gone crazy, be back soon

My crazy is showing again! Top ten reasons why you are not yourself:

#10 You say, "huh" a lot when people are talking to you.

#9 You find yourself thinking about what you are thinking about. AKA over thinking.

#8 Concerned with ME, ME and ME.

#7 You misunderstand a party invitation which is immediately followed by being misunderstood.

#6 Your husband says a week later, "Are we still talking about this?"

#5 You want to crawl in a hole because you know your Crazy is loose and could devour someone.

#4 You don't really know what's going on so you assume the very WORST.

#3 Your loved ones want to help, so they tell you everything you've done wrong.

#2 You want to be in your right mind, but instead you've actually left your mind.

And the number one reason you know you're not yourself.

#1 You ask yourself and others, have I gone crazy?

 

This folks is what it looks like when your crazy is showing. This is war! It's a spiritual war which has been requested and approved. If I belong to God, nothing can touch me unless it is filtered through His hand. It's meant to reveal your crazy spot so you can grow. The bigger the war and chaos, the more we have potential for growth. After a non-stop crazy week of miscommunication, insult, correction and accusation I finally had some clarity.

These symptoms of craziness held the keys to a deeper truth when held up to the Light. When we stop trying to figure it out by way of reasoning or justification and stand circumspectly before God, we can get answers. This is the Lord's Dwelling Place where truth and honesty is revealed and where no fear of harm and condemnation can be found. In this Dwelling Place we can come boldly to our King and ask for examination. I know that His Grace is mighty! I brought my Crazy to His throne room. He took it and gave me peace in its place.

In the still quiet voice of my heart, I heard Him say:
Forgive unmet expectations; remove the idols from your life that put people and things above My Holy name. Don't bend in your integrity because it will cause you to have a skewed vision and misinterpret situations. Come under your husband's covering and don't walk outside of it- EVER.

The simple point here is that we must Abide in Christ. John 15:1-11 has the word (abide) 10 times. That's 10 times in 11 verses! When you've plunged into crazy, tuck, pray and Abide in His love. Remember His promise to restore you and protect you in ALL circumstances. This was just a test!

One Year Cancer Free

One year Cancer free! I embraced the joy of this the same way I might enjoy dancing on a deserted battlefield with a flowing white gown and tiara as my only weapon, knowing there could be snipers in the brush. My battlefield looks like Gettysburg, beautifully important and civil. Something wonderful happened in that place,  the echo of sacrificed souls whisper a reminder of the cost if it should happened again. The silenced war is a peaceful place for the survivors and the deceased once a new perspective takes place. Did I really dance on such a field? I thought the day would bring accomplished gratitude with it, but I wept all day and all weekend, not even a muster of celebration. Weeping is NOT the same as crying. You cry when you think about your circumstance, but you weep when you go about your day and the tears arrive anyway.

Perplexing how fast it went by and how fast I settled back into old habits of just living life. All my emotions of joy and pain, love and loss, fear and peace where bottled up and shaken on this anniversary.  Much like the pop of a bottle of Champaign, my tears couldn’t be contained. You would think I just received the news all over again. Delayed reaction I presume. Suck it up, put your shoulders back and march forward, keeping focus doesn’t allow for much reflection. That’s what busy will get you. One Year Anniversary is a bizarre acronym for revisiting that torn battlefield.

How could I not take a monumental stop to pause the world for just one day so I could say thank you to God for adding 365 days to my life so far. I was heading into the day with that very mindset when I called a colleague about real estate and coincidently found her to be a survivor.  She is experiencing my greatest fear. She is a two year survivor this month and they have found a mass on her lung. She seemed to be in good spirits, but I quietly crumbled on the other end of the phone. I quickly calculated if that were me I am only another year away from the hostile sound again. Time goes so quick.

Through an aware spirit I remembered the promise I made to God while laying on that PET scan machine. “I will write if you let me stay” A deal and bargain I made when all guns were calked and pointing at me.  Here we are at the point of epic celebration and I am sweetly and gently reminded that my word has not been kept… YET. I am so thankful that my Lord factors in my humanity and broken integrity when I don’t do what I say I will do. I am grateful that He tenderly prepares me to succeed at His plans for my life. I could have called any agent that all too important day, but I called the agent who would trigger my forgotten promise. I lift my glass of bubbly bottled emotion and celebrate 2013 as the year that counts.  

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Blessings,
Sheri Page